Centuries after the Peloponnesian War — also known as the iconic battle of Athens versus Sparta for my fellow non-history majors who have long since forgotten everything from their 10th-grade AP World History — we have reached the ripest moment to launch a crusade against the “other side.” It’s time to launch against the Greeks on Rugby Road.
Although the Spartans have evolved to “Wahoos” — I’ll take weirdest student body nickname for $500, Alex — the enemy remains the same as it was millennia ago, the Greeks. In these modern times, however, the armor, togas and spears have been discarded for backwards baseball caps, khaki shorts and red solo cups. Their “encampments” along Rugby Road, too, have regressed into pitiful states — if anything, the porch-sitting Truly cans and the piss-filled bushes by these “frat houses” are invitations for a more civilized, orderly authority.
And as in ancient times, it is because these Greeks are now overstepping their boundaries that we, as Wahoos, must put them in their places. Just think — the nerve they have, throwing parties at a prestigious, upstanding academic institution like the University! Is this what the great, completely infallible Mr. Jefferson would have wanted? This notion of “work hard, party hard” is entirely debilitating to the University’s reputation of holding its students to the highest academic standard.
Thus, I propose that we respond the way the Greeks know best—with war. The time is well past for negotiations, although a few of the History majors would advocate for such, probably ineffectively. No, we must join forces with those who have already begun to take up efforts against the Greeks.
Join those who have been infiltrating and de-weaponizing their bases — I myself have seen the numerous signs, cutlery, picture frames, jackets and other completely random items that have found their way into first-year dorms after a night out. If first years can so effectively devote themselves to the cause, all of you should be able to.
Join those who have begun to call for increased accountability for fraternities. The violence, discrimination and improper conduct that come from the hands of these Greeks have begun to be spoken out against — however, we must not be afraid to be addressed and acknowledge these issues even more strongly. They must not be allowed to continue to escape the consequences of their action — in speaking out against them, we can be one step closer to our goal of victory over the Greeks.
I have no doubt that we will be able to win in our endeavors. Unifying for this cause, in light of the revelations I spoke about above, seems simple and inevitable. However, the question you may now be asking yourself is “what do we do after we win?” Good question, my fellow Hoos, and the answer is—absolutely whatever we want!
We can do whatever we want with their bases, with their frat houses. Turn them into bedrooms? We can do that. Make them into haunted frat house escape rooms? Also possible. If we want to stay true to the academic stringency that the University so prides itself upon, we can make them into academic buildings. I’m not quite as imaginative a person as you may be, so that question of “after” is in your hands, dear reader. I’m just here to rally the troops, so to speak — do you feel rallied enough?